The End of Optimism Part 3 - Postlude

I never intended for this blog to cover such dark and unfortunate topics, but these are the things that I have needed to talk about.  In the hopes that I can finish this and move on to happier topics (let’s be honest, probably not – see the lack of optimism?) let’s conclude this conversation.

I brought up two very different stories.  Both contained happenings that I attribute to ambition, that wonderful and horrible thing that has led to man’s greatest triumphs and greatest failures.  It would seem that I believe all ambition is bad.  I don’t believe that for a second.  Ambition is the only reason I was able to build Pep Band to what it is today.  Ambition is the only reason I became an assistant conductor in Wind Symphony.  Ambition has largely driven my success in science as well.  I need to admit that I am not always a popular person because of this.

Those who have taken the time to get to know me and, far more importantly, have allowed themselves to fully understand me, know the striking difference between me as a leader and me as my inner self.  The simple truth of the matter is that I am a brutally fast thinking introvert with enough self-awareness to force myself to do what I must to accomplish what I wish to accomplish.   I am also tragically and hopelessly romantic and an absolutely fierce friend.  I am overly patient and too trusting of people all too often.  I am afraid of being let down, afraid of losing hope, and all too often afraid to let go.  On a deeply personal level, I am crippled by self-doubt and have put my heart out too many times to too many people and been hurt deeply as a result of it.  I find myself trying desperately to get what I want and understand what I need without being able to fully realize either.  This is my struggle.  This is why my optimism is being tested.  Suddenly I don’t sound like a very ambitious person anymore.

Yet I often am.

The trick is self-awareness.  I pride myself on being as self-aware as I am right now.  Every day I strive to understand what I’m doing and what I’m feeling, and every day I get better at controlling my ambitions, understanding the consequences of my actions, and understanding the effect I have on people around me.  It’s difficult to face oneself but so incredibly helpful.  I am proud at how far I’ve come and at the same time humbled by how far I have yet to go.  I will keep working on it and I will keep improving.  (Was that a hint of optimism?)  This is all I can ask of myself, and I understand that.

There are two things I want to reiterate:

1 – Self-awareness

2 – Understanding the effect you have on others.

If you remember these two things it is far easier to keep ambition in check.  No one can perfectly navigate the stream of ambition.  We all make mistakes and will continue to do so.  Be self-aware.  If you make a mistake, recognize what you’ve done, work to understand it and why you did it, and own up to it.  Look at what that mistake did to the people around you and if you hurt anyone, let them know you understand and are sorry.  Then be introspective (natural for the introverts among us).  Figure out what the lesson is and change yourself for the better.  Next time you’ll act differently.  Keep trying to improve.  If you still make a mistake, fix it and try again.  You will become a more forgiving person, a more caring person, and you should largely be happier with the person you are.  That’s a pretty amazing thing. 

This is how I have learned to control ambition.  One of my larger problems right now is that of patience.  I am not nearly as patient as I used to be.  I’ve simply been hurt too many times in fairly recent memory.  I am stuck in one of two positions.  Either I am overly patient because it’s easier than addressing the problem (remember that crippling self-doubt?) or I am too short on patience because I’m tired of fighting.  Both of these have caused their fair share of problems.  The later has made me seem far more reactive and difficult than I wish to be (In many ways it makes me seem far more ambitious than I actually am right now).  How do I even these two things out?  I wish I knew.  I’m going to keep working on it.

The well intentioned and observant reader may notice something rather remarkable about the flow of these three episodes on optimism.  Let me assure you that this was not in the slightest intentional – at least not on a conscience level - but rather should serve as a comfort to the reader that I am sincere in what I’m saying here.  Other than give some careful advice, the first part addressed what I saw as a problem and the effect it had on me.  The second part did much the same for a different set of circumstances.  This concluding part provides a lesson, but serves very much as a character study of myself.  This has been my way of addressing those two points I reiterated several paragraphs ago except that I am trying to understand the effect other people’s actions and my responses to them have had on me – in other words, I am trying to understand the effect I have had on myself.  I am trying to heal, thus I am addressing the cards dealt to me in the most self-aware way that I can.

It’s helping.  There’s a long way to go, but I feel like I’m on the right path.

I am optimistic.

The End of Optimism Part 2

It’s been a long time since July 9 when the first part of this particular conversation was written.  A lot has changed, but what is concerning is that so much hasn’t.  Let’s give a quick rundown.  We know I resigned from Pep Band.  That is a decision that was made on the night of July 9 although I chose to let the fates decide exactly how that would transpire.  I honestly think things are working out for the best.  Unfortunately, I still feel plagued by many of the things that were only alluded to in the first part of this.  This is incredibly frustrating.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t quite seem to figure some of this stuff out.  Very frustrating.  This is not a conversation for this blog.  Thank goodness.  So very much remains unsaid and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t quite bring myself to say it.  I will say that I am tired of being crippled by self-doubt and fear, but I’m going to leave it to that.

As things stand, not nearly enough has changed, so I am still struggling to be optimistic.  I’m trying, but generally it hasn’t been working.  With that in mind, let’s get back to the matter at hand.  I promised two stories.  Let’s get to the second one.  We were talking about ambition.

Today’s story involves the curious case of the student attempting to pursue a career in music performance.  A worthy and noble cause, I suppose.  This story has more to do with the general state of music education than it does this particular individual, but it’s an important case study nonetheless.  One that makes me lose hope in the future of music.  I am now nearly completely convinced that classical music (this includes jazz) is self-perpetuating its own demise from within the industry itself.

I have the unusual pleasure of being a professional musician (up to this point, I have been paid to conduct.  This makes me a professional in some sense.) who is within earshot of the Eastman School of Music and is more-or-less completely disconnected from it.  An interesting place to be, as it turns out.  I’ve also had the unfortunate opportunity to watch a very dear friend enroll at the school and attempt to complete a graduate degree.  Talk about the end of optimism.  Over three years I watched this friend change.  I saw bitterness increase, patience decrease, and ambition coming closer and closer to the forefront.  Devastating.  To watch a friend descend into this oblivion is the worst possible fate.  It has filled me with an almost inexorable sadness.  It’s just easier to no longer be optimistic.

Here’s what I see.  I see a school that teaches students that they are the best there is.  Enter ambition.  Furthermore, it teaches students that they are competing against their classmates and fellow professionals for the rest of their lives.  Beyond that still, it teaches students that their profession is dying.

Let’s just think about this for a minute.  You simultaneously tell your students they are the best ever in an ever shrinking job pool in which they need to fight against each other to succeed.  Furthermore, you tell them that they should be afraid of amateur musicians who are willing to do your job for far less money, or worse yet, for free.  This is a recipe that can only result in failure.

An environment has been created where the performers hate each other, and they are fully disconnected from their audience, and thus source of livelihood.  I now believe that classical music is dying because of this above all else.  You cannot disconnect yourself from your audience, and you cannot disconnect yourself from your fellow musicians.  Of course classical music is doomed if this is the case.  There is no hope for it while this attitude permeates the schools of higher learning for music.  Lincoln said that “a house divided against itself cannot stand.”  I believe classical music is locked in an epic civil war.  Not a traditional, two sided war, but rather a more nefarious, harder to define struggle in which individual players are pitted against each other, even when they get along.  It’s like a family who, deep down, doesn’t like each other but still tries to put on a happy face to the outside world and to each other.  Those on the outside can sense that something isn’t quite right, but it’s hard to put a finger on what exactly the problem is.  In the case of classical music, the net result is the disenfranchisement of the audience.  If the audience disappears, the money disappears, jobs disappear, and the internal fighting in the professional music community increases which in turn reduces the audience further.  It’s a vicious cycle.  This is what happens when you teach someone to be ambitious.  Ambition takes over and things go south.

How does this relate to the story I allude to?  Over the span of three years, I saw my best friend - that curious individual pursuing a career in music - fight these beliefs, but it’s not possible for one person to change the status quo at such a powerful institution.  It makes me incredibly sad that he succumbed to the atmosphere there.  I believe he still thinks he’s doing good, but I have lost faith that he actually is.  There’s a clarification that needs to be made here.  He was sent to Eastman by his previous mentor with a mission.  That mission was to single-handedly change the Eastman culture and quash this dog-eat-dog mentality.  He was destined to fail.  I will never forgive his mentor for doing this to him.  It was doomed from the start.  I had faith he could do it three years ago, but not anymore.  I now see the error that was made, but it’s far too late.  This friend was sent into a place where ambition is not only taught, but celebrated, after being given the ambitious task of trying to ‘correct’ the culture at the institution.  In hindsight, it seems all too inevitable that ambition would eventually drive further ambition. 

The end result is the loss of the best friend I have ever had and the recession of this friend further into the professional music culture.  How could I possibly understand the challenges he faces?  How could he possibly understand the challenges I face?  The answer is simple.  Communication.  All we have to do is sit down and talk.  I’ve reached out to him, but he doesn’t want to talk.  Ambition kills a friendship.

I give up.  I’m still broken and still sad.  I am out of optimism for today and probably for the foreseeable future.

DISCLAIMER HOORAY!:  This addresses a systemic problem that is by no means as black and white as I just made it.  Many seem to understand this problem – most notably The Cleveland Orchestra – and are working on it.  As with all things, the color is strictly gray.  I still believe the lessons here are valid.  Furthermore, I am not being kind to my friend, but let's recall this is called the end of optimism.  I suspect if he sees this he will not appreciate it at all, but I feel compelled to post this so it's off my mind - at least for a little while.  Perhaps I am the one being unfair.  Only a conversation between us will reveal something closer to truth.  I leave it in fate's capable hands.  Let everyone show their true colors.

All Good Things Must Come to an End

September 5, 2013

 

Jon and Amanda,

Over the last 18 months it became clear to me that a crossroads was approaching.  I could see paths diverging, malevolent forces gathering, and my ability to improve the band diminishing.  I believe this crossroads is at hand.  I have been watching clouds gathering around me for some time now.  With success follows jealousy and ambition.  Given the challenges I have experienced in my personal life during these last 18 months, and the stress and anxiety currently caused by forces out of my control, I am making an incredibly difficult, but necessary decision.  I have constantly put the needs of the pep band over my own needs, but I can no longer do that.  This being the tenth year of our pep band it seems an appropriate time to move on and begin the next chapter of my life.

Nurturing the pep band over the last nine years has been the most rewarding experience of my life to this date.  You two along with all the other members of this band, past and present, have been an inspiration to me.  If not for the enthusiasm, intelligence, and commitment of the members of this exceptional organization, there would be no band today.  Far too often, too much credit for the success of a musical organization is placed on its director.  I feel this has often been the case with the pep band.  I have always said and will always say that it is the students who have driven the success of the band.  You showed me what you were capable of, and I simply encouraged you to do what you could do all along.  I feel incredibly blessed that I have had the privilege to watch the band grow, and, far more importantly, watch every member of the band grow as the years went by.

At the same time, the personal growth I have experienced from the founding of the band to the present continues to astound me.  I have grown as a musician, a conductor, a leader, a mentor, and a friend.  I will take all of this with me as I continue on my life’s journey.  I encourage you two to take this as an opportunity for your own personal growth.  You have a unique opportunity and if you take it and push yourself to do the best you can, you will be amazed at what you will accomplish and how much you will grow.  Never stop pushing and never stop believing in yourself.  You both and all of the members of the band have so much potential.  Make the most out of in everything you do.  Persistence and determination are incredible allies.

I leave you with a band that has far surpassed what I ever imagined it could be.  It is musical, responsive, motivated, and spirited.  This band is something you and the entire university should be proud of.  It is a band that surpasses that of any of our peer institutions and rivals many division I pep bands.  It is truly special.  Take it, love it, and nurture it.  The coming months will no doubt be a difficult time for the pep band, but I leave you with my full faith and confidence that you can make this work.  Don’t settle for anything less than the band is capable of and take advantage of the mentors around you and it will continue to thrive.

I advocated for both of you during the last executive board elections because I knew a transition was approaching, and I see a spark in both of you.  Amanda, you care careful, considerate, compassionate, and caring.  Use this to your advantage.  They are truly noble qualities.  Do not let anybody push you around.  You are strong.  You have shown me that this year.  Jon, I see a lot of myself in you.  You are thoughtful, deliberate, strong, and watchful.  I see you as a natural leader.  Find mentors who will help you foster your leadership skills.  Ask questions of those around you and maintain your focus.  Jon and Amanda, if the two of you work together and take charge, the band has the greatest chance of successfully weathering this transition.  You can do it.  I know you can.  You are incredible.  This is the time to be magnificent.

I do not wish this to be a jarring and abrupt change; however, my departure must happen soon.  I intend to take the pep band through its first football game at which point I will pass it on to you.  If you feel a different timeline is more appropriate, I ask you to discuss it with me.  This being said, I am officially submitting my resignation as Musical Director of the University of Rochester Pep Band, effective 5:00 PM, Saturday, September 28, 2013.

I am always here for guidance, advice, and anything you require of me, but only as you ask it of me.  Best of luck and Godspeed to you both.

 

Sincerely,

Gregory R. Savich

Musical Director

University of Rochester Pep Band

 

 

The End of Optimism - Part I

I expect this to be a somewhat difficult read for a lot of people.  I simply ask you to bear with me and hear me out.  This has three parts.  Two stories and a message.  The first story is here:

Being perfectly frank, the last 18 months have been rough.  A lot has happened.  Mistakes were made.  Some of them were mine and many of them were not.  For the first time in my life I cannot say I live without regret.  I am significantly shorter on patience now than ever before.  Bitterness is a more common theme.

Now I am in Albuquerque, living by myself.  I am finding that a month is a long time to be alone with my thoughts.  What is important and what is not is clearer.  Who I really care about is clearer.  My opinions on things that have happened are more easily defined.  Other things remain fuzzy.  I expect much of that will clear up as the summer progresses, or rather I hope.

Am I content?  Am I settled?  Not at all.  A lot remains unknown and a lot remains unsaid.

If I could do things over, I would go back to the last home football game of last season.  November 3 was the date.  Here, I thought things had turned around.  Things made sense, things were going my way, and I thought my luck had turned.  I was happy.  Then regret.  Things after that have been a whirlwind of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Confusion personified.

Thus is the setting of this particular scene.  Cryptic?  Yes.  Unhelpful?  Probably.  Don't expect grand revelations and an explanation for most of this.  Much of it still belongs in my thoughts only.  I fear it's only a matter of time before that won't be the case, but for now that's how things need to be.

In an effort to stay on point (this is supposed to be about music after all), I want to bring up two specific happenings from this current year that bring ambition into focus and have contributed to that tremendous whirlwind in a profound way.  There are two separate parties involved, but both are dear to me which has made all of this exceptionally difficult.

Where to start.  Well, let's cover one now and the other in the next post.

Let's go back to that football game.  Was there anything particularly special about the actual game or pep band itself that makes it stand out?  No, it's something else which is nearly completely irrelevant to the current proceedings and that most certainly will not be discussed here; however, there is a reason to bring it up this time.  Pep band was at a high point.  Football season was spectacular.  The band was spectacular for basketball too, but that season was short, weird, and ended somewhat abruptly.  Unsatisfying is the word.  Things were already slightly off.

Then ambition reared it's ugly head.  It is said that "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."  Indeed it is.  Decisions were made by pep band officers and kept from me for too long.  Destructive decisions.  Decisions that should have never been on the table and were made in a moment of fear and panic. Decisions that put the future of the band in serious jeopardy.

Student leadership.  I need to be frank.  I do not believe leadership can be taught.  This is unfortunate.  Few are natural born leaders.  Find these people and support them.  They are the ones who will really make an organization go places and at the same time they are the ones who are the most vulnerable.  People who want to be in a position of power will do anything they can to destroy a natural leader out of jealously and ambition.  

Unfortunately, student leaders tend to be inexperienced and tend not to be natural leaders, yet the current generation (mine included) is told they can do anything they put their mind to.  This is too often misconstrued to mean that they don't need any help in order to do whatever they want.  This is completely asinine.  The only reason I am where I am today is because I had the good sense to find good mentors, to watch them, to listen to them, and to trust them.  If you don't take advantage of those around you who already have experience, you will be ineffective as a leader.  Period!

This is the problem the pep band officers met.  Sometime early in the year they became aware of the previous executive board's failure to properly manage the fundraising done in the fall.  This left them in a precarious situation.  The end of the year was approaching but they were behind on fundraising and they had to make budget decisions for the next year.  The fundraising is used to pay me.  On top of that, they came to the realization that I would eventually be leaving the university (that's what they tell me anyway).  Let's back up for a second.  Pep band officers are elected on the calendar year.  The officers had been in their posts for about a month or so when all of this happened.

So, the officers made some decisions on their own.  They decided that the only way to continue is to cut the musical director pay in half, take responsibility away from the director, take over musical management of the band, and make the musical director train student directors who will have the majority of control of the band starting with the upcoming band camp in August.  Naturally this was all done without ever bringing any of this up with me or, even worse, the band membership.  To make things dire, I was not informed of any of this for something on the order of a month and a half during which time the budget for the next year was submitted, and a significant amount of fundraising time passed.

Pep band will be celebrating its tenth anniversary this coming school year. It is a well settled, mature musical ensemble.  It also, against all odds, is the best instrumental ensemble on the River Campus.  I don't say this to toot my own horn.  It simply is the truth.  From a musical standpoint there is nothing else like it.  I has taken the full nine years to build the ensemble to the quality it is today.  It has taken a careful plan and a well thought out set of goals for each year to keep improving.  From a personal standpoint, it has taken me an equal amount of time to build the skill set necessary to rehearse and lead the band in such a way that it maintains such a high level of musicianship and I'm still learning how to do this.  I spend countless hours planning and studying, working and contemplating, and observing and listening to be able to do what I do with the band.

All of this was completely lost on the officers. They told me straight out that they thought a member of the band could do my job as well as I could.  I was offended.  Furthermore, they listed a number of responsibilities I would no longer need to do as a way to justify the reduction of pay.  The overwhelming majority of that list has not been my responsibility for at least two and a half years.  On top of this I am told I will be kept on to train my replacements.   

Complete and total lack of respect.  If you don't yet know how it feels to be taken for granted, put yourself in my shoes.

Let's just say that several conversations were had.  The problem is that I am still having a hard time with this.  It still keeps me up, consumes my thoughts, and makes me feel terrible sometimes.   My authority has been challenged countless times.  This isn't new by any stretch.  What makes it worse is that neither were the problems the officers had to deal with.  If they would have talked to me I could have advised them on what other officers did to solve these problems in the past and we could have worked together on a solution.  That doesn't diminish the student officer's leadership of the group.  It enhances it.

I'm broken.  I'm tired.  I feel betrayed.  I don't feel like fighting for this anymore yet so much of my own blood sweat and tears is written into the history of this band that I feel obligated to it.  Usually by the time July 4 passes I have the next pep band year planned out:  goals are outlined, the repertoire is set, and I am excited about August and the year ahead.  For the first time I can say that is not the case.  I have more of a sense of dread than anything else.  My optimism is gone.  

What I need is cooperation and communication, and on four separate occasions in the past 18 months (this pep band business being just one) I have been deprived of that.  Ambition is a cruel mistress.  Difficult to control and difficult to let go of.  

What wasn't clear until about a week ago is how to move forward.  It's always about moving forward and moving on.  Otherwise you just go insane.  I know now what needs to be done and I am beginning to understand that I need to finally start putting my own needs in front of the band's needs.  My hope is that the tenth year is the best for the band, but it's going to be a tough one.

I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. – Part One

Well, friends, this is turning out to be a very long one, so here’s part one.  I haven’t written out any of part two or its inevitable successors, but I feel like this gives you plenty to think about in the meantime.  Hopefully discussions resulting from this entry will shape its successor(s).  Oh man!  So much more to say.  This barely scratches the surface.

Classical music has a problem.  In fact, it has a big problem.  I would say that it is dying, but I don’t think that’s correct.  Classical music is already dead.  It’s not being written anymore.  It lives on only through performance; so when I say classical music has a problem, I really mean that the performance of all music directly linked to the classical style has a problem.  This is what is truly dying, but for the sake of simplicity, let’s understand this point and just say that classical music is dying. (Let’s also limit this to this country - mostly.  I don’t really have much insight into what’s going on elsewhere.)  Trust me.  It will be easier this way.  If you are unwilling to accept that classical music is dying, it’s time to wake up; however, I don’t think it is yet time to call in the undertaker.  

I think it’s important to talk about this problem and express any ideas you may have about it.  We need someone with a spark of inspiration and a new idea.  Who knows who that will be?  That person might be you.  I know a lot of people who either have or are in the process of devoting their life to classical music or jazz and it would be foolish of me not to admit that I am in some ways inextricably linked to its fate as well.  So, this is important.  Let’s think this through.  What is the current state of things? What caused this?  What is being done to fix this?  Is there anything we can do?  I don’t pretend to think that I can answer all of these questions or even one of them completely, but I’m going to throw everything I’ve got out there.  Maybe we can make some sense of this.

While I mention it, I think it’s important to get something straight about jazz.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s not stretching the truth to lump jazz into the same category as classical music.  Really, it’s not faring any better than classical music, and it shares many of the same problems.  If you disagree, please show me otherwise.  That would make me very happy.

So, shall we?

If I had to describe the problem with classical music with one word, I would choose stubbornness.  Cluelessness is right up there too, but really, I think stubbornness is the way to go.  I want you to stop right now, follow this link and read this article: 

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703954004576090321831982948.html

Really, if you are ignoring the link, go back and read the article.  I just stopped writing to re-read it, so you should go read it too.  Good article, right?  There’s some really interesting stuff in it.  Now, what’s the first thing that strikes you?  I made several friends read it in front of me so I could secretly gauge their initial response (yes, I’m occasionally evil).  The most common first response was: “I didn’t know Mahler came to Rochester!”  Even after discussing the article with these friends, my own initial response never came up without me mentioning it.  What got me right away is that in 106 years, it seems that the vast majority of orchestras, both major and smaller city orchestras, have not fundamentally changed the way they program music.  Look how much the face of music, both orchestral and otherwise, has changed in the last 100 years, and ask yourself if this makes any sense at all.  Hasn’t anybody thought of a way to improve on this or at least make it more relevant to our current day lives?  Maybe someone has.  I have not gone through a complete survey of orchestra programming, but in my experience I haven’t seen anything that different from Mahler’s vision.  Maybe the person who had a brilliant idea was shot down in favor of the old traditions?  What an interesting topic for study.  

The important point is that, largely, programming for orchestras has not changed in 106 years.  Guess what?  Neither has the repertoire (largely).  I’m beginning to sense a pattern.  I firmly believe that it’s more an overwhelming send of pride and stubbornness that’s preventing innovation in the orchestral world.  I don’t believe for a second that there haven’t been brilliant musical ideas since 1907.  I do, however, believe that the majority of those running orchestras or conducting orchestras today believe that classical music is somehow more intellectually important and correct than other types of music and thus the well-thought-out traditions governing it should be preserved for the betterment of mankind.  Furthermore, I think the result of this is that many of these orchestral bigwigs believe that the right approach is to wait until the public magically decides that the stuffy old people were right all along and classical music is really the way to go.   I’m building to an analogy, so let’s bring Europe into this very briefly.  This is one of my favorite ensembles:

It’s the Vienna Philharmonic (credit Terry Linke).  Take a good look.  There are men and lots of them.  Not 100% men, but seriously, that’s a lot of men.

Analogy time!  Putting this all together, we have an organization largely dominated by men in important roles, unwilling to change, absolutely sure they know what’s best, secure in its high-mightiness, and holding out until the rest of the world discovers that the old ways are really the way to go.  This in the context of a world that has, arguably, changed more dramatically in the last 125 years than it has during any other period during that last several thousand years.   If you take these last two sentences out of the context of this blog, I bet most people would think I was criticizing the Roman Catholic Church.  I have very strong opinions about this church, but I’m going to try to keep most of that out of this.  I simply want to point out a couple of things.  Many people are losing faith in the Roman Catholic Church (especially in this country), especially young people.  Meanwhile, the church clings to old traditions (like not allowing women to become priests, not allowing priests to marry, and clinging to the idea that celibate old men are experts in natural, human sexual conduct) and people become further alienated.  If that goes too far for some of you I apologize, but I want to state my case as clearly as I can.  Anyway, people are leaving the faith in droves and the result is that churches are closing.  There are less people willing to preach and less people willing to listen.  The church will always go on I’m sure, but if things don’t change, I really think the Roman Catholic Church will become far smaller and far less powerful than it is now.  It’s a new time with new problems and new ideas and people are looking for something that is in tune with these new principles, not something that tells them they really need to go back and re-evaluate everything around them in favor of the old ways.

This is exactly the problem facing classical music.  The traditional approach may be fine for the faithful, but it’s not going to work for a more mainstream audience.  If things don’t change, the audience will not come.  I am one of the faithful.  Personally, I love classical music as it is.  It’s pretty pitch perfect for me (see what I did there?), but I am not a mainstream person.  At the same time, I know it is downright suicide to defend classical music as it stands.  If I want it to go on, I need to encourage it to change, and I need to help it to change.  I’m reminded of the title of a musical about the nature of relationships that I’ve never even seen, but it’s a perfect expression of how I feel towards classical music:

“I love you, you’re perfect, now change.”

To be continued…

Oh yeah, it appears that I have a blog.

This seems as good a time as any to remind myself that I intend to write in my blog about once a week.  That hasn't really happened so far, but that's really no surprise to me.  As I have mentioned, I am an amateur band director.  This basically means I have no time for anything, especially what I am actually supposed to be doing.

Sometimes, sacrifices must be made.

This time around, I find myself spending time planning some rather silly pep band events that just happen to coincide with spring break.

Aspiring Amateur Band Director Life Lesson #1:  Band directors do not get breaks.

More on this stuff later.

In the meantime, I have a post brewing that will sort of be the culmination of a lot of thought and consideration.  I hope to have it up by the end of the week, but who am I kidding? 

When it does eventually appear, it’s going to be about the state of classical music.  Full disclosure:  I’m going to bring religion into our relationship, friends.  I know it’s a bit premature, and we probably should leave a discussion of religion and politics out of it until we get to know each other a little better, but the analogy is too good to leave out, and I trust that you all can handle it.

Honestly, if you can find even a bit of humor in this:

you will probably understand.  Also, can you guess which religion classical music is like?  I just gave you a big hint!

Until then, my friends, watch your conductors occasionally.  They are only trying to help.

Let’s start from the beginning

I have always been blessed with great teachers.  I can say this going as far back as I can remember and as far forward as today.  This, of course, is not limited to the standard grade school teachers and college professors.  I would be remiss if I didn’t include my parents, friends, relatives, conductors, and advisors.  The way I see things, if you can’t learn something from everyone around you, you’re doing it wrong.  That’s not to say that everyone is a great teacher, but I can say that many people who have touched my life, several of whom I consider to be great and true friends, have been truly outstanding teachers and mentors.

You take all those great teachers, add the myriad of stuff I’ve learned from all those other people I’ve encountered, and pile on the ever growing list of things I’ve managed to teach myself despite my best efforts and what you are left with is quintessentially me.  As me, I think that’s pretty cool.  I firmly believe that I am, almost exclusively, a product of where I have been guided rather than where I have been pushed or forced or where, through some divine miracle, I was meant to be in the first place.  Whether it was me or someone else who was doing the guiding is largely dependent on what specific piece of my life you are considering, but I certainly would not have any chance of guiding myself if not for those great teachers I keep mentioning.

Out of all this I have developed an incredible respect and love for mentors and teachers.  I know now that I will not be satisfied for the rest of my life unless I can in some significant way return the favor bestowed on me by mentoring and teaching others myself.  This did not become entirely clear to me until about three years ago, but I must have had some inkling of this, four full years before that, when I decided it would be a cool idea to start a pep band.  I also had no clue that acting on that idea would irrevocably change everything.

There I was, a sophomore in college, majoring in optics, pretending that a double major in music was possible with an engineering workload, no conducting experience with any ensemble – just a little bit of basic instruction for field conducting marching bands, and I decide to start a pep band at a major, albeit relatively small, university.  Luckily, I had a roommate who was at least as crazy as I was and just as motivated to start a band.  After four months of organization and planning and a whole lot of really crazy luck, I was musical director of a pep band, and I had no clue whatsoever what I was doing.  We played at some basketball games and it became clear that the band members didn’t particularly know what they were doing either.  There were only 11 of us at the start and we were the picture perfect definition of a motley crew.  We were very spirited, but as a band we left something to be desired.  Nevertheless, it was a start.

Flash forward seven years.  Some things haven’t changed.  Pep band is still a motley crew for sure, and I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing sometimes; but we are strong, organized, much larger, even more spirited, and we sound absolutely incredible when we are on top of our game.  Beyond that, I’m an assistant conductor of the university wind symphony.  I never did finish that pesky music degree, and I never took a formal conducting class or lesson, but I did manage a Bachelor of Science degree and am now plugging away at a PhD in optics.  What else happened in those seven years?  Suffice to say, a whole lot of good, a whole lot of bad, and a whole lot of learning.

Perhaps the most important thing I’ve learned is that if not for those great teachers I had before college, I would never have had the courage to start the pep band.  If not for those mentors, teachers, and friends that came after, I would not have had the courage to keep going.

And for that I am eternally grateful.