I never intended for this blog to cover such dark and
unfortunate topics, but these are the things that I have needed to talk
about. In the hopes that I can finish
this and move on to happier topics (let’s be honest, probably not – see the
lack of optimism?) let’s conclude this conversation.
I brought up two very different stories. Both contained happenings that I attribute to
ambition, that wonderful and horrible thing that has led to man’s greatest triumphs
and greatest failures. It would seem
that I believe all ambition is bad. I
don’t believe that for a second.
Ambition is the only reason I was able to build Pep Band to what it is
today. Ambition is the only reason I
became an assistant conductor in Wind Symphony.
Ambition has largely driven my success in science as well. I need to admit that I am not always a
popular person because of this.
Those who have taken the time to get to know me and, far
more importantly, have allowed themselves to fully understand me, know the
striking difference between me as a leader and me as my inner self. The simple truth of the matter is that I am a
brutally fast thinking introvert with enough self-awareness to force myself to
do what I must to accomplish what I wish to accomplish. I am
also tragically and hopelessly romantic and an absolutely fierce friend. I am overly patient and too trusting of people
all too often. I am afraid of being let
down, afraid of losing hope, and all too often afraid to let go. On a deeply personal level, I am crippled by
self-doubt and have put my heart out too many times to too many people and been
hurt deeply as a result of it. I find myself
trying desperately to get what I want and understand what I need without being
able to fully realize either. This is my
struggle. This is why my optimism is
being tested. Suddenly I don’t sound
like a very ambitious person anymore.
Yet I often am.
The trick is self-awareness.
I pride myself on being as self-aware as I am right now. Every day I strive to understand what I’m doing
and what I’m feeling, and every day I get better at controlling my ambitions,
understanding the consequences of my actions, and understanding the effect I
have on people around me. It’s difficult
to face oneself but so incredibly helpful.
I am proud at how far I’ve come and at the same time humbled by how far
I have yet to go. I will keep working on
it and I will keep improving. (Was that
a hint of optimism?) This is all I can
ask of myself, and I understand that.
There are two things I want to reiterate:
1 – Self-awareness
2 – Understanding the effect you have on others.
If you remember these two things it is far easier to keep
ambition in check. No one can perfectly
navigate the stream of ambition. We all
make mistakes and will continue to do so.
Be self-aware. If you make a
mistake, recognize what you’ve done, work to understand it and why you did it,
and own up to it. Look at what that
mistake did to the people around you and if you hurt anyone, let them know you
understand and are sorry. Then be
introspective (natural for the introverts among us). Figure out what the lesson is and change
yourself for the better. Next time you’ll
act differently. Keep trying to
improve. If you still make a mistake,
fix it and try again. You will become a more
forgiving person, a more caring person, and you should largely be happier with
the person you are. That’s a pretty
amazing thing.
This is how I have learned to control ambition. One of my larger problems right now is that
of patience. I am not nearly as patient
as I used to be. I’ve simply been hurt
too many times in fairly recent memory.
I am stuck in one of two positions.
Either I am overly patient because it’s easier than addressing the
problem (remember that crippling self-doubt?) or I am too short on patience
because I’m tired of fighting. Both of
these have caused their fair share of problems.
The later has made me seem far more reactive and difficult than I wish
to be (In many ways it makes me seem far more ambitious than I actually am
right now). How do I even these two things
out? I wish I knew. I’m going to keep working on it.
The well intentioned and observant reader may notice
something rather remarkable about the flow of these three episodes on
optimism. Let me assure you that this
was not in the slightest intentional – at least not on a conscience level - but
rather should serve as a comfort to the reader that I am sincere in what I’m
saying here. Other than give some
careful advice, the first part addressed what I saw as a problem and the effect
it had on me. The second part did much the
same for a different set of circumstances.
This concluding part provides a lesson, but serves very much as a
character study of myself. This has been
my way of addressing those two points I reiterated several paragraphs ago
except that I am trying to understand the effect other people’s actions and my
responses to them have had on me – in other words, I am trying to understand
the effect I have had on myself. I am trying
to heal, thus I am addressing the cards dealt to me in the most self-aware way
that I can.
It’s helping. There’s
a long way to go, but I feel like I’m on the right path.
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